As I rapidly move towards becoming a “Grumpy Old Woman” (A distinction that I am looking forward to) I have discovered a couple of things and as one of those is the inability to go to sleep at a normal hour I will have a rant and see if I get tired.
Why is it when you age women suddenly start growing unnatural amounts of facial hair? I have these lovely whiskers on my chin. Why is the happening to me? They are scratchy and I can feel them, but the problem is my eye sight is going as well and I can’t see them to pluck them out. So then starts the blind plucking episode. If anyone was watching they would think I have bypassed middle age and gone straight into the dementia phase. Then, as if things could not get worse, I catch a glimpse of my chin in the right sunlight and realise that there are 1 inch hairs. These ones are soft so I cannot feel them. Why has no one in my family pointed this out?
And as it is not bad enough that we have had to go through being pregnant, having a monthly curse, we then have the grand pleasure of going through menopause and not just menopause; we have to have pre-menopause; a several year build up to it. I really don’t think we really need to visit abnormal hormone levels again. Did we not do this when we were teenagers?
I have learned that grey hair is rude. It stands straight up, as if to shout: “LOOK AT ME”. My grey is rapidly coming in, but I am not going to colour it. I am personally hoping for a white streak down one side.
I am completely convinced that the earth is made of metal and there are high power magnets in my chin, boobs, and bum. It appears that every day they are inching closer to the ground. I fear by Christmas I will be getting road rash on my bum cheeks.
I had a hot flash a couple of months ago. I thought I was going to die. I was in the shops and got extremely hot and faint. Well I REALLY hope that was the one and only hot flash I have. I am trying to convince myself that my whole “change of life” occurred in during that episode. I may be getting older, but I can still dream.
I also find myself looking at the Young People and thinking why would she wear only a long shirt and 5 inch heals? Why are her shorts so short that I can see bum? Is it necessary to dress this way? Why is there a need to show your stomach? I really don’t like seeing the fat rolls hanging over your waist band. I feel so old when I have these thoughts. People should be able to express themselves. I just get the urge to run up say “Darling you should really try wearing clothes that cover your body. You will look like a lovely young woman that a nice young man would WANT to take home to his mother.” Does this mean I am old?
I have also developed an unusual desire to hang out in the gardening section and kitchen appliance sections of stores. I find these areas to most interesting and can spend enormous amounts of time looking. I don’t buy a lot. Just look and think well if I buy the $2 starter I can root some new ones from it. How many of any one plant do I really need? Could I not just spend $4 dollars and get 2 and be done with it?
Right, I feel tired now. I will try to go have a sleep. I will probably still laying there awake in an hour.
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